Alright, so if you know the F.E.A.R games, you’ll know how slim the line is that they walk between “oh this is pretty cool” and “this is embarrassingly naff and I will now weep for the dignity of all involved”. The new trailers reveal that, in the promotional department anyway, F3AR has picked one side and is heading towards it full bore. And yeah, it’s the second one.

In the single player version of the game you once again play as the mysterious, well...now ex-mysterious, Point Man. What they are really pushing the game with though, is the addition of co-op.If you do choose co-op, the second player takes on the character of previous antagonist Paxton Fettle.

Playing Fettle  is a bit like Shiny’s lost classic Messiah, you can inhabit the bodies of enemies and make them take out their fellow attackers. You can also float lads around, chuck barrels at them and freeze soldiers thus making them easier for the Point Man to dispatch.  It’s actually looking like a fine and interesting enough stuff game mechanics wise, especially with combining the abilities of the characters and all. But everything else? Mother of sweet Christ, who knows what's going on?

If you played the first F.E.A.R. (you should: it’s deadly) you’ll know that the Point Man (who is engineered to super-efficiently pull out straps and lay bustahs down) shot Paxton Fettle in the head. Even in video games, the head is forever. So Paxton Dead-tle, thank you, is not only deceased in the face but also isn’t on the best terms with his brother The Point Man. Why are they teaming up? Well their Ringu-inspired mother Alma is having a baby (less said about how she got pregnant the better) and her contractions are summoning demons and umm....yep. Basically, the plot can be summarised thusly: “Video Games, dawg”.

Still, the whole rivalry thing probably maybe could be an interesting dynamic for a co-op but it’d have to be handled pretty well and marketed pretty cleverly. That’s probably why F.E.A.R.3 made an incredibly dodgy live action video where he minces around looking like someone attempting to cosplay as both Peter Serafinowicz and the Flaming Carrot simultaneously. Nice going fellas.

Swagga back

Remember when the Point Man had a mask and that was awesome? Not the most original video game concept by still, cool enough. Well eff that bro, now he’s Rob Zombie. As if F.E.A.R. wasn’t dangerously close to blasting Dragula at you all the time anyway. He also doesn’t look nearly gritty enough. Nothing in that video does, really. It looks like some awful fan movie slow dudes would make for a college project. Everything in it looks a bit too new and a bit too props-purchased-brand-new for me. The acting is, obviously , atrocious. Even though the entire part is “run and shoot”, they still manage to make it awkward.  

Then there’s the narration, which is a whole different Fettle of fish. Get it? Sorry. Anyway, the narration is almost a parody of what "extreme" horror things have become in the last few years. Creepily refer to people as your family? Check. Calling murdering people “playing”? Check. Affect a tone of voice that is more smug than scary? Trifecta.

As I mentioned, Fettle’s appearance is ridiculous. It’s like he has crapped his pants and is trying to keep it a secret. The effects are horrible. I’m not one of these morons that goes: “With the money they spent on that, they could have been improving the game yo!”. Saying that shows zero understanding of how anything works and invalidates whatever the person is saying. That said, they obviously spent some sort of money on this that could have been better spent on...well...anything. If they even wanted to promote the game by just sending out T-shirts to everyone saying “I’ve been possessed by Fettle and all I got was this lousy shirt”, that would have made more sense and been more credible than this atrocity. Sadly Fettle looks far better in the actual game, had they just shown that it would have made more sense. But no, sub cosplay bullshit it is. And if you’ve got the mettle, here’s more Fettle:

Fettle

As far as I remember, my brain cells still haven’t recovered from the weekend I spent slogging through Assassins Creed 2 in an appropriately robotic and braindead way, in the F.E.A.R. ghosts are hurt by bullets. That’s kind of how they made the game work. Yet here’s the Pax-man, sauntering up to people and hugging grenades into them while saying the most nonsensical not-even-cool-sounding-in-theory horseshite about “when it comes to death... blah blah blah I’m a ghost on fire, you bes' respect it”. And yes, this trailer also looks like it is a reconstruction on America’s Most Wanted.

All of the horror movies stuff is really played out again. Cutting back and forth from a goth woman is mild distress, who is presumably supposed to be playing the insane all-powerful antagonist Alma, is pretty lame on its own. But combining that with the classic screamy noise of all bad horror remakes just makes it ten times worse.  The actual game looks interesting but the advertising is so thoroughly repellent. Maybe that’s just the video right? Let’s hope the box art is...

"So do you guys play Rap Metal or Nu-Metal? Oh a mix of the two? Sweet"

Oh, It’s a poster your girlfriend’s emo sister made for you band without being asked. Brilliant. Oh and the tagline is “Blood Runs Deep, F3AR Runs Deeper”. Looks like 90s game advertising is back. Prepare to be made Paxton Fettle’s bitch.