Hey listen, I’ll thank you to park your crass assumptions about my problems with this game trailer at the door there Comanche. I have no problem with the idea of a hair dressing game. If Nintendo haven’t punched you in the face (or attempted to punch you in the face only to instead select the whip for no reason) with this enough: games are for everyone, dog. And if any man, woman, child or beast wants to enter into a graphical battle with the tonsorial arts, they are still welcome in the McTiernan dojo and receive no quarrel from this sensei.

It even looks a bit like trauma centre, which is pretty cool if you’re squeamish or despise anime storylines (which solely consist of stuff like this, without exception). If you thought I was going to berate this as a rubbish idea for a game you better get down off your high horse and hitch him at humble stable. No, my problem is, as usual, with the trailer. It’s not my biggest problem, which is currently worrying about funding my “DIF’RENT LIFE” round the bellybutton tattoo before people forget Gary Coleman. But if you’re not ponying up the funds for me to get that beautiful phrase in gothic text fused with my borderline-olympian body, then we may as well talk about Busy Scissors.

Oh man, you know what I love about video games and indeed, life in general? Models. Woo, they’re like the greatest thing, personality factories each and all. Maybe in this game you get to roleplay as a waify model (oh, possibly japanime alert) with scissor based weapons fight other waify models for waifremacy. I hope we get to learn their back stories in this trailer. It would be pretty weird if they just stood there having nice hair, especially for a hairdressing game. That’s can’t be whats happening can it?

But never mind that, here comes a 2D lady with more red hair than a Doctor Who cosplay convention. Her name is Bizzy, presumably a young woman named in honour of Cleveland’s favourite son Bizzy Bone. Her hair salon should be called Bone Thugs N’ Hairmony. My god, that’d be the ultimate ultimate.

She’ll probably just call it Bizzy Scissors, you know cause it’s a weak pun on her name. Wait. Wait…Busy Scissors? But, but you could easily slot your…how are you not seeing the pun-tential here Bizzy? Busy Scissors is such a missed opportunity. My confidence in this woman is now crippled, I’m not sure how I can continue to live this charade.

Salon looks grand, they obviously built it inside a cut scene from a Ps1 game, but listen with the market the way it is they’re lucky they didn’t have to rent a room upstairs in Manic Mansion or something. Wait, is that a cheer leader? Why is she wearing a helmet? Whose favourite client is back? What are you talking about?

Please don’t…and she’s gone. My god, this is turning Shining pretty quick.

“Start with shampoo”? Good advice, woman-who-looks-like-sex-doll. Here comes the game play, pretty involved-looking, nice. Oh and disembodied hands, woo!

Nothing about that is creepy and swayzesque. There you are, apply a mixture of glitter and cobwebs. It is through futuristic gotherella tactics that you will succeed in the world of hair dressing. And then obviously you sand away said glitwebs, leaving only the aura of Zombie gaga around your client.

It is weird that they scroll “Find the perfect cut” over footage of a woman who is having some kind of giant head cyst pinched by a semi-futuristic medical implement. Perhaps they mean the best point of incision?

Oh shit, photorealistic graphics. Ah back to Ps1. hmm, maybe this is some sort of metacommentary on the falseness of the created reality of the fashion industry and the set of assumptions which allow it to exist. This is a hair game though so why would that make sense?

“STRAIGHT FROM THE PROS” Queasy pun or prostitute endorsement? We may never know.

Ah! The model again! Or is that some subconscious flash I am having. Have they mind controlled me? Probably not, it’s a hair game. Obviously that’s why they’re putting 12 frames of a model in my face in the middle of a gameplay video right?

Now it’s just strobing between gameplay, models and hair straightening. Jesus, this is some orgy of low budget America’s Next Top Model or something. If an art student made this 10 years ago, Sony would given them 5 million dollars to advertise the PS2.

Weirdly I’ve just noticed there is music in the video exhorting me to “Get busy”. It could also be “get bizzy”. Better not be though, I hate escort missions.