With one of the worlds most important holidays upon us, I figured it would only make sense to provide a tribute in its name. What, Christmas? No, that doesn't matter. I was talking about patch day! The day where the world suddenly becomes a quiet and desolate place while legions of gamers bask in the glowing light of their monitors. World of Warcraft has more people playing it than actually exist on this planet, and with the World of Warcraft Battle Chest being cheaper than ever, getting into the phenomenon is easiest then its ever been. But did you know Blizzard had more nefarious plans for the franchise?

A little known fact is that, after making millions of dollars on its Warcraft franchise, Blizzard Entertainment actually planned on investing a sizable chunk of that money into time travel research. The tentative plan, which no doubt came to mind after watching Primer a dozen times trying to understand what the hell was going on, was to travel to an unknown point in time, rumored to be the 1980s, and unleash their largest money making game on an audience that would have had no idea what hit them.

Nobody really knows what they would have done with the extra cash, fund an invasion of a small nation perhaps, or why they gave up on the plan, but we here at Faceoffgames have ended up with a copy of the commercial Blizzard was planning on running right alongside ads for the Samurai Pizza Cats and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. All I know is that, after reading this, the plan would have been successful. All of us apathy laden 20-somethings should thank our lucky stars that they gave up on this plan before it destroyed our childhoods. I put 100 hours into Spy Hunter, I can't imagine what I would have put into this. The amount of time it would have taken me to kiss a girl would have tripled. Which would have put me around last July.

Blizzard WORLD OF WARCRAFT :45

VIDEO/Audio

TWO MOP-HAIRED CHILDREN SITTING OUTSIDE, THE DULLNESS OF THE OUTDOORS CLEARLY GETTING TO THEM AS THEY BOTH SEEM INCREASINGLY BORED

Narrator: Is going outside and playing with friends getting you down?

THE CHILDREN BOTH NOD AND SIGH, NEITHER ACTING SURPRISD BY THE DISEMBODIED VOICE

Narrator: Than this holiday season,make sure your parents know to get you...

THE WORDS “WORLD OF WARCRAFT” DROP DOWN FROM THE TOP OF THE SCREEN, CRUSHING THE CHILDREN. (Addendum: remind director that the words are animated and added in post. We don't want to repeat the same incident that happened during filming of the Rock N Roll Racing commercials, those parents were pissed)

SFX: Enormous ear crushing explosions as the words drop to the ground and shatter.

Narrator: (Yelling as if his house is on fire) From the makers of Diablo, Blackthorne, and The Lost Vikings comes World of Warcraft.

Music: “The Touch” by Stan Bush begins to play.

SCENES OF WORLD OF WARCRAFT'S REVOLUTIONARY GAMEPLAY ARE RAPIDLY CUT WITH SCENES OF THE CHILDREN GOING FROM FREIGTENED TO AWED BY THE EXCITING PROSPECT OF CLICKING THINGS FOR EIGHT HOURS A DAY. THE SCENE SHIFTS TO TWO PARENTS, CLEARLY SQUARES, SITTING ON A COUCH IN AN IDEALISTIC LIVING ROOM.

Father: You know, the kids have been spending way too much time outside lately. With Reagan's Star Wars defense system not ready, I fear they are in too much danger of pinko communist bombs.

Mother: If only there were someway to keep them inside all day instead of letting them be exposed to dangers as dangerous as sunlight and exercise. She begins to sob uncontrollably.

Music: “The Touch” by Stan Bush begins to play.

Narrator: Dry those tears mom, nobody finds a crying woman attractive. But Dr. Blizzard has just the prescription for you!

THE SAME PARENTS ARE NOW IN A BABBAGES. THEY SEE A DISPLAY INVOLVING DWARVES OR AN ELF OR SOMETHING. IT DOESN'T MATTER. THEY GRAB A COPY OF WORLD OF WARCRAFT AND PURCHASE IT FROM A CASHIER WITH A FLOCK OF SEAGULLS HAIRCUT. THIS WILL MAKE SURE THE VIDEO FOR THIS COMMERCIAL GETS A TON OF PLAYS ON YOUTUBE. IN TWENTY YEARS. WHEN IT IS INVENTED.

Narrator: With over a million possible hours of gameplay, how can you go wrong with the future hit of the Century- World of Warcraft! Innovating the world of gaming with infinite players and lightning fast load times of only 5 hours on a state of the art 14.4 modem! The most immersive gaming experience since Ultima!

THE PARENTS ARE NOW STANDING IN A DOORWAY WATCHING THEIR CHILD PLAY ON A COMPUTER. HE IS LEANING BACK IN HIS CHAIR, BARELY MOVING, EXCEPT TO WIGGLE THE MOUSE. OUTSIDE THE SUN IS SHINING IN THROUGH THE CLOSED BLINDS OF THE WINDOWS. THE PARENTS STEP BACK, CLOSE THE DOOR, AND LEAP IN THE AIR FOR A FREEZE FRAME HIGH FIVE. THE WORDS WORLD OF WARCRAFT AGAIN APPEAR ON THE SCREEN.

Narrator: World of Warcraft, so good we can guarantee you are going to buy it and spend more time with it then you did studying for your finals in college. Buy it today!

Music: “The Touch” by Stan Bush begins to play.